People have said that I have the patience of a saint. They must not know me then. Well I take that back. They must not see the real, nitty gritty, backed against the wall Sarah. Few people actually get to see that side of me. To be honest, I prefer no one see me like that. It is scary.
Sure when I worked at Macys, I was the one that customers gravitated towards when they were looking for an item. As long as they were willing to wait, I would track down an item for them at different stores. As you continue to do this, you quickly learn the things to not do!! I learned to not call Florida stores because I couldn't understand most of the associates nor could they understand me. (I swear I do not have a typical West Virginia accent!) I also remembered from my own shopping days that Pennsylvania is usually cheaper because they don't tax merchandise. So the tax/shipping costs balance out. It was all part of the job. It just seemed to customers like I went above and beyond. I didn't find it a hard task at all. It was just a matter of how badly the customer wanted it. Determination.
Now flash forward to today. I'm struggling to find my way. I have completely lost my patience. I feel like I'm floundering trying to make every aspect of life work. Correction - I don't have to make my relationship work thankfully. It is going along swimmingly. :) So every aspect except one. (And again, I'm sure I'm exaggerating this. You get my point though.) I would almost venture to say that I have lost my faith. I really haven't though. I've just lost touch with reality and God. I'm struggling to follow his will instead of my own. I know he's there. I pray and read my Bible. I'm just kind of ignoring him. And as the collective gasps and sucks the Earth out of its rotation, even the strongest of Christians struggles with doing God's will. I'm not claiming to be anywhere close to the strongest. Again, trying to be honest here.
I think everyone struggles at some point in their life thinking about if they are doing what they are supposed to be doing. Maybe it is the money, the enjoyment, the time, the non-monetary reward, etc. I don't know. I would venture to guess that it all boils down to happiness. They say money can't buy happiness. I'm not looking for money here. I'm not happy and I just want to be happy. Am I blessed, YES! I'm very lucky to have a job and benefits in this time of recession. I don't care what people say. We aren't out of it and won't be for a long time. That is off the subject though...
I feel like God is calling me to something. He's whispered things for a few months. A few weeks ago, he was squeezing my heart. Trying to get my attention. I heard what he had to say and cried. I've never felt so uneasy in my life. Then of course, I let life take over. Consuming me with busyness and ignorance. Surprise... He hasn't gone away. Still patiently waiting for me to respond. I asked my pastor on Sunday. I didn't give details - just like I'm not giving you any details. He said that he's struggled with the same thing before. I just have to surrender one day at a time. Really? There is no quick fix? Well crap. I knew that though... I was looking for a way out.
So how do I go against everything that I've been taught and/or believed? I don't know. Somehow I just give up every day though. I suppose I should become more open to the thought. Maybe research the subject. Those may be good starting points. To be perfectly honest, God hasn't given specifics. Just said I want you to do this. It is such a broad area. I don't know how or when or why or where or anything. Just that it is what he wants me to do. I have a sneaky suspicion on where he is leading me. I don't exactly know how I'm going to do that with my current education and work background. So here I go into the world of the unknown. Say a little prayer for me that God will direct me slowly and steadily (and that he gives me the peace and assurance I need along the way!)
"So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up." ~ Galatians 6:9
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